Searching for Security
Local gay author Steven Reigns talks about the emotional motivations behind his new book, Your Dead Body is My Welcome Mat.
Interview by Rick Walen
TAMPA -- Steven Reign's writing is honest, open and gripping. His work combines art and expression with emotion and healing. There is no quick retreat to a safe place where one can simplify or intellectualize his stirring images of emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
Reigns recently published his first collection of poems and short stories entitled Your Dead Body is My Welcome Mat. This collection is a powerful, poignant and emotional glimpse inside the mind of this brilliant, but tortured local talent. During a recent interview I asked him about the truth behind his words and his motivation to share them. He kicked off his shoes and sat cross-legged on my couch as I fired away.
WATERMARK: When did you know writing was your art?
STEVEN REIGNS: I knew very early on. I was fortunate. In my second grade class one of our assignments was to keep a journal. I discovered writing then. What one moment stands out on your path to becoming a professional writer? After I had sex with another guy for the first time, I wrote it in my journal. Later read that passage to a friend and she suggested that I pursue writing as a career.
What steps did you take to that end?
I enrolled as a creative writing major at The University of South Florida (USF). The program was difficult to endure. If you didn't end up a writer, it's a degree you could do nothing with. I do value my experiences at USF, especially with Professor Rita Ciresi. She taught me how to overcome my fears and to live life as an artist.
In your book, the dedication is written in the third person. It is as if you're both in and out of the action. Can you be truly objective?
I wrote it as a tribute to my inner child. Only upon completion did I try to blame that child for not knowing better.
Why were you blaming the child?
For not being stronger.
Wouldn't you say your strength was born of fear?
Yes it was, I had to learn to face my demons.
In your poem "Cameras and Roller Coasters," you raise your hands and open your mouth to scream and nothing comes out. Were you documenting a specific moment?
Not really, it's more a question of who was there for me? Neither my parents nor the general community was there. Who would hear my screams?
In your short story "ISO," you spoke of your relationship with Shannon. You continued to date her until she went on vacation to Iceland. Is this a reference to frigidity?
Well...maybe a little.
Fine, I'll rephrase the question, what were you in search of?
What are we all searching for? Intimacy, safety, security and warmth.
In your heartbreaking story entitled "Meat Under the Stairs," a neighbor boy rapes you, yet you put up no resistance. Were you the willing victim waiting for salvation?
Most people assume that when you are the victim of abuse there is always a physical struggle. You submit to your abuser. What is the use of struggling? You begin to blame your self. I was still doing that until recently. No, I was not the willing victim. That is a term commonly used by those with the "they asked for it" mentality. The bottom line was that it was beyond my mother's capacity for parental protection. I became a lost innocent, searching for positive self worth.
Are you disappointed that you didn't do more to speak out about what was going on?
Physical, emotional and sexual abuse, which scars run deepest? They are inexorably connected. A love of categorizing allows the separations, but it is all about healing and becoming a whole person. The goal is to completely heal despite the abuse, because of the abuse.
How did you reconnect?
On my own terms. I found support through writing. I realized that I was not alone and it was okay to talk about it. It was a hard struggle that is still in process. You must own your demons and reconnect with faith. Therapy has been very beneficial in helping me to reach perspectives on my past in non-traditional ways.
You wrote a story called "Security" about your experience working in a gay club. Isn't it ironic that the victim became the nurturer?
Yes, I had achieved strength and was able to take care of others.
I really enjoyed your story "Late." It speaks of shared experience, responsibility and lost opportunities. Why did you make an insolent comment on his shoes?
I needed a punch at the end. Besides, it's just the salt in sugar.
Your poetry shares some common themes with the poetry of Sapphire. Were you strongly influenced by her work?
I never remembered reading a stronger voice than hers. Something about her words resonated within me. Particularly her poem "Mickey Mouse was a Scorpio," from her collection American Dreams. She was so connected to her feelings and experiences. It was not until I read Sapphire that I was able to speak about my own abuse as a child. Anyone who has been the victim of abuse usually has trouble verbalizing and vocalizing those moments. There are certain things that stay with us to remind us how awful abuse is.
What other strong voices spoke to you?
Anais Nin. The preface of her Delta of Venus was an excerpt from her diary. It was the greatest description of sex ever written; yet I was haunted by the voice in the preface. She's my Buddha. One of my favorite Nin quotes comes from House of Incest: "From all men I was different, and myself, but I see in you that part of me which is you." She teaches us that we are all connected to each other. She was way ahead of her time.
How did she influence your writing?
She gave me the strength to self-publish. If she can self-publish, so can I. She was my inspiration. I recommend that everyone read her work and familiarize themselves with her progressive voice.
What's your next move going to be?
I plan to get my message out and connect with as many people as I can. It is important to have a work out there that tells the story of abuse from a male's point of view. My experience is one of many, but as men we haven't been allowed to talk of our experiences. This book is a report of my journey so far.
If you have been the victim of abuse, please seek help.
In Tampa Bay call (727) 898-3671, in Orlando call (407) 886-2856.